Tapezilla

This is a list of five things we’d rather do than play the upcoming Golden Axe: Beast Rider that Pete’s been so high on for the last few weeks. (List compiled by TZ staff sans Pete)

5. Dinner For One “Animal Boxing” for the DS (finish it in one sitting).
4. Buy Golden Axe: Beast Rider, but never open it.
3. Hold a fudgesicle like it’s a Wii remote and pretend we’re playing Call of Duty: World at War, while all the time it melts onto our fingers.
2. Suck off a man.
1. Play through Golden Axe for Genesis while actually riding a beast.

Ah, the venerable Top 10 (or Top 5, 7, 11, or however many the list-maker could find/thought distinguished their list from the other “Top Whatever” shill) list. It’s been said that aside from tits, Ron Paul, and Digg itself, the Top Whatever list is probably the topic best suited to make Digg’s front page. I’m sure there’s some deep-seated psychological reason for humanity’s affinity for both the making of their own lists and curiosity toward lists made by others, but that’s not what we’re here to discuss. Here’s the very worst of the Top Whatever lists that made it to the front page of everyone’s favorite Internet echo chamber despite sucking so badly, presented in ascending order (that means “going up”) by the number of diggs received to maximize the guilt you should feel if you dugg any of this garbage.

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I check Joystiq and Kotaku once or twice during the day, and I’m not sure why I continually subject myself to the latter. It seems like every time I visit the site, there’s at least one story that actively pisses me off. This time around it was the story coyly titled “SEGA’s President Casually Mentions Resident Evil 5’s Wii Release”. Holy crap! The President of SEGA himself drops a bomb like that in an EXCLUSIVE interview with Kotaku at E3?! The video proudly embedded on the main Kotaku page certainly has Mr. Jeffery confirming the headline, and the teaser paragraph whets one’s appetite, promising to confer with other industry luminaries. That big pink “RUMOR” tag looks pretty juicy… I’d better click through to see what happens.

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With the launch of the App Store for Apple’s iPhone and iPod Touch next month, among the first available dowloads will be games. We can expect iterations of classic (Pacman), recent (Super Monkeyball), future (Spore) titles, with more in the pipline, apparently at $10 a pop. If the number of comments on other blogs’ stories on the topic are any measure there’s only mild interest, but are you planning on buying any?

If you’re going to pick some up, what’s on your shopping list? Tell me in the comments…

Am I the only one that hates using analog sticks for first person shooters? Who decided it was even a good idea to take something successful (PC FPS games) and bring them to consoles without the crucial element of the control method best suited for them? Why, more than a decade after the first console FPS forced its analog stick down our collective throat, has such a glaring issue not been eradicated?

Read on for the answers to these questions and more.

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Mere mention of the words “improve” and “DS” within a single sentence is liable to whip fanfolk into a tizzy, firing salvos of barely-coherent temper tantrums on their misguided way to my inbox.

That being said, the venerable DS could be improved. Here’s a few ways how:

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